Poetry by Terry Heggy (not intended for anyone under 18 years of age)

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Haiku

Dating and Relationship Haiku, Celebrity Haiku, Sports-Oriented Haiku, Food-Oriented Haiku, Martial Arts Haiku

Celebrity Haiku

Hillary Clinton Has written another book. I'm watching SpongeBob.	A frenzy welcomes The newest Harry Potter. I'm watching SpongeBob.
Mistakes may sometimes Have minor consequences. But don't anger Hulk.	Marilyn Manson Is a cheap imitation of Alice Cooper.
All the contestants On American Idol Think Simon's a jerk.	I think I could be A mega-super pop star, But I sing poorly.
How quickly things change -- We thought there'd be a wedding For Evan and Zora	Construction workers Quite often make more money Than nineteen thousand.
I think I'd do it... If I won an Oscar, I'd Kiss Halle Berry	Foreign policy Should come from the President -- Not film directors.
Jack Nicholson learned His acting fundamentals From Peter Fonda.	Jack Nicholson learned To play psychotic weirdos From Dennis Hopper.
I often ponder When Arnold Schwarzenegger Will win an Oscar.	The Terminator -- I know there’s no one better To play a robot.
The guy next door to My cousin’s barber’s uncle Knows Kevin Bacon.	A shampoo brand name Will never leave me looking Like Heather Locklear.
My friends all tell me I look like Conway Twitty. No girls will date me.	My college roommate Is just like Homer Simpson; But not as famous.
Poor Regis Philbin - He asks, “Is cancellation Your final answer?”	I heard from someone That Eminem is wealthy. I just don’t get it.
The ancient Greeks asked The Oracle at Delphi. Now, it’s Rush Limbaugh.	John Edward can see Dead people. He saw Elvis Eating a donut.
The world is saddened. We miss the gentle wisdom Of Mr. Rogers.	You need a wizard? Call Obi Wan Kenobe (Not Harry Potter).

Sports Oriented Haiku

They train with gusto To quickly eat those hot dogs. Is it a real sport?	That kid from Japan Seems too thin for all those dogs. Where does he put them?
It's good for bottles But not career enhancement For Sammy Sosa.	While Roger Clemens Has won three hundred ballgames, He's still a butthead.
Racing's Triple Crown Gets some folks all excited. I don't like horses.	Kentucky Derby. The Belmont Stakes. The Preakness. Who cleans up the poop?
The sport of curling Requires extreme precision. It's much like billiards.	My one obsession Is watching NASCAR racing. I love the decals.
A lumpy mutant? No, he's not a deformed freak... A bodybuilder.	A man gets bigger By lifting heavy barbells And taking steroids.
I love the springtime. It brings warmth, and most important, The start of baseball.	A crack of the bat... The boys of summer are back. Hot dogs: Five dollars.
People love to join The company softball team, But soon get injured.	A fat engineer At bat in slow pitch softball Thinks he's Ted Williams.
The sport of swimming Will make you fit and healthy. You'll smell like chlorine.	You swim butterfly. You move with beauty and grace. I'll bet you are tired.
A lane of waxed wood, A frothy drink, and friendship. It is called bowling.	With special shoes on, I fling a heavy spheroid And hope the pins fall.
When pins are flying And nothing is left standing, I am then at peace.	There is no God. No deity would allow A 7 - 10 split.
A weekend wasted. The fault is not mine. I blame Paul Tagliabue.	A ball thrown quickly Curves toward a man with a bat. ...It's over the fence.
Unholy evil Escapes the confines of Hell. The Oakland Raiders.	A mountain city Cries out in sad frustration. They want John Elway.
A golfer's challenge; To get the ball in the hole. It's a stupid game.	For a hole in one You practice for many years. Or... you get lucky.
A tennis fan pays To see great skill and talent, Or girls in short skirts.	Though weightlifters have Amazing strength and power, Them dudes is ugly.
I’m always eating More than you think possible. I am a Sumo.	A triple axel Flips up her skimpy costume. Her ass is freezing.
That sweet young female Is almost microscopic. Must be a gymnast.	The stinkin’ Commies Are winning competitions. (They bribe the judges.)

Food Oriented Haiku

I often wonder What's wrong with all those people Who dine on tofu.	I know it's healthy, But I don't want no tofu... It tastes like cardboard.
I have no knowledge Of what's in veggie burgers. Let's keep it that way.	To eat a hot dog Though you may know its contents, Don't think about it.
The pepperoni Does not exist in nature. Yet thrives at Blackjack's.	I watch my intake. A low-fat meal of stir fry. But then there's ice cream.
Krispy Kreme donuts Are something quite magical. They melt in your mouth.	A raid at midnight Replenishes my stock of Oreo cookies.
Effective diets Consist of fruits and salads. I hate rabbit food.	I had some weight loss, But gained it back by eating A sausage pizza.
On Valentine’s day I skip the love and romance, But eat the chocolate.	Like the Universe, I started very tiny But keep expanding.
Tony the Tiger Knows what he’s talking about. Frosted Flakes are good.	Halloween candy Overflows my goodie bag. My life is awesome.
Great gloom engulfs me. Depression fills my being... There is no pizza.	The work day’s over. Time for relaxation. I shall have a beer.
I love to consume Drinks made from barley and hops. I now need to pee.	With beer and pretzels I settle in for pleasure. Monday Night Football.
A simple phone call Brings forth supreme fulfillment Made by Domino’s.	The meal was filling. Yet, somehow not completed. It cries for ice cream.
My lover’s kisses Are not as satisfying As those from Hershey’s.	Food evolution Begins with simple legumes. It ends with Pop Tarts.
Food from Taco Bell, Can really thrill my taste buds. But it’s not healthy.	I have a craving For a product known as Spam. What the hell is it?
At Christmas dinner I feel a great expansion. Unbuckle my belt.	Undoing my belt. Did not relieve the pressure. I barfed up the yams.
There are no diets. My body is a temple. For I am Sumo.	The Sumo’s life is Beyond my understanding. I’m anorexic.

Hai-kurate (Martial Arts Poetry)

I do you damage
With flailing arms and leg kicks.
I beat you senseless.

Bruce Lee's karate
I laugh at with derision.
I'm alive. He's not.

All other poets
Must feel humiliation.
They cringe before me.

As martial artists
Most poets show great weakness.
I do not. I'm great.

When normal poets
Perform as martial artists
They stink. I crush them.

(Okay, I know this isn't Haiku --)

You may be an expert at writing,
Or highly proficient at fighting.
But whichever your art -
I will take you apart.
And it's dust you will shortly be biting.

So, you pick the meter and rhyme scheme.
And choose a romantic or crime theme.
Then start your kung fu
Cuz I guarantee you
You'll be knocked out and having a fine dream.

You might think you're full of surprises
But you'll soon find that you're in a crisis.
I will dismantle you
While I author haiku
That is worthy of Pulitzer Prizes.

Dating and Relationship Haiku

It's hard to decide... Should we go out to dinner Or see a movie.	The meal was perfect... A delightful ambiance. How much should I tip?
The date commences. We try for conversation. My brain is frozen.	The perfect woman, My ideal life's companion -- How will I find her?
I'm made to suffer For every male offender She's ever dated.	Her former boyfriends Have treated her so poorly. I would not do that.
The biggest secret In dating successfully Is to be yourself.	I took a woman To ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl. She barfed in my lap.
Am I good enough? Or is she out of my league? Perhaps I'll stay home.	My sense of humor Requires that all my lovers Must dig the Stooges.
I took a chance once, Agreeing to a blind date. Oh, no! Godzilla!	Our first date opens With stuttered conversation. I sweat profusely.
I've read and studied That book by Terry Heggy. It solved my problems.	I am not handsome, But thanks to Terry's program I do quite nicely.

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