9-25-2002

John Ritter has a new sitcom. In a related story, Brian Griese sprained his ankle by falling over a dog.

Everybody loves a klutz. (I don’t mean the kind of love where you spend a muggy evening sipping icy lemonade while you’re spoonin’ with yer best gal on the porch swing. I mean the kind where you shout “I love this guy” when you see Clouseau fly out the window because clueless yellow Kato bent down to tie his shoe.)

And while I, personally, have never loved Lucy, Desi and Desi Jr. certainly did, along with entire suburban communities full of Nielsen families. Why? Because she was a klutz.

(Come to think of it, I don’t really like the Lucy from Peanuts, either. She was just plain mean to Charlie Brown, and a major annoyance to Schroeder. And I’m guessing that nice-guy Linus would just as soon crate her up and ship her to China. Which is probably just exactly what Fred Mertz would’ve done to the other Lucy if he wasn’t afraid of Ricky’s shiv-carrying friends in the Puerto Rican mafia.)

(What? Ricky’s a Cubist, you say? What the hell does his painting style have to do with…? Oh, you said “Cuban”? OK. OK, so maybe he’s not in the mafia…but being Cuban would make him a damn Red Communist, then, wouldn’t it?)

Not to change the subject or anything, but have you ever noticed that Midwesterners pronounce the first part of “Puerto Rican” the same way they say the name of country music legend Porter Wagoner? He used to have a TV show with Dolly Parton, a woman blessed with immense talents. In fact, one time she tripped and fell, but her immense talents kept her face from even hitting the floor. Ar ar.

Actually, I love Dolly Parton, and I greatly admire her musical talent, too. But we were talking about Lucy. And lest anyone think that I’m just another one of the crackpots who hates ALL Lucys (Lucies??), let me state categorically that beyond any shadow of a doubt, I do deeply and truly love Lucy Lawless. The problem is, she isn’t a klutz at all, so we can’t really compare her to John Ritter now, can we? What with all that jumpin’ and flippin’ and spinnin’ and stuff… why, she’s a regular Olga Korbutt, only good looking. And not a Red Commie midget.

Let’s face it, only a certain type of person can get away with being a klutz. Same with being a lovable nebbish. Certain images of klutzy nebbishism shall forever be seared into the American consciousness. Barney Fife quivering while trying to take the single bullet from his pocket to load his gun. President Chevy Chase Ford knocking over easels, spectators, and fake dogs in his efforts to communicate with his fellow Americans. Garo Ypremian throwing the long ball…

Try to imagine other people in famous nebbish roles. If Wally Cox hadn’t been around, could James Earl Jones have pulled off performing the voice of Underdog? I think not. Could Lou Ferrigno successfully host a season of “Pee Wee’s Playhouse”? Would Bubba Smith be believable as the dad in “Eight is Enough”?

Don’t be so gullible, McFly. It takes something truly special to be a world-class klutz. John Ritter’s pratfalls had to have been influenced by his famous father’s recording career. Hearing Tex sitting around the house singing “Sidemeat and Cabbage” would make any kid walk into closed doors or fling himself down the stairs. And if you think about it, it all kinda makes sense; what’s at the bottom of the stairs, anyway? The cellar, that’s what. And who played Inspector Clouseau? Peter Sellers. Coincidence? I think not.

The Nelson Muntzs of the world need their Milhouses. For every Mr. Schwarzenegger, there needs to be a Mr. Rogers. James Bond looks even cooler thanks to guys like Frank Drebbin and Scooby Doo.

There’s only one guy I can think of who can successfully play both sides of the fence. Superman. When he’s in his costume, he’s the baddest dude in the world. (And he’s gotta score extra points for looking macho in red and blue tights, after all. Who else could pull that off? OK, Dick Van Patten or Gavin McLeod might come close, but otherwise, forget it.)

But when he’s Clark Kent, the guy is the biggest marshmallow in the world. He even lets Lois Lane push him around, and she’s so stupid that she gets captured and subjected to diabolical torture and Rube Goldberg death plots practically every single day. Ol’ Supe oughta stop rescuing her and just sit back to watch and enjoy her klutzy shenanigans. It’d provide inspiration for a whole new show, which would probably appeal to those same Midwestern Nielsen families that made Desi and Desi Jr. into household names.

Our new show could star Dolly Parton and we could call it “I Love Lois”. With Brian Griese as Jimmy Olsen. Oh yeah.